Sibling Rivalrys: February 2009

Adult Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry is something most of us have experienced. We all know the conflicts between siblings as children, but what if those rifts carry on through adulthood? How can we better understand the relationship with our siblings? What can we do to break away from old issues and repair the relationship to a more loving and rewarding one?

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"My Sister, My Self: Understanding the Sibling Relationship that Shapes Our Lives, Our Loves and Ourselves" by Vikki Stark. The author discusses personality traits that contributes to what makes you who you are and the relationship that you have with your sister(s). The author invited 400 women to participate in The Sisters Project sharing their stories and thoughts about life with their sisters. Each story is written from the participant's birth order and how they felt their role played in influencing each other's lives. Some are revealing, some funny, but each has its own story of conflict or closeness. The author gives various techniques and workbook materials to help get past old and hurtful patterns for a healthier relationship.

"Sisters and Brothers All These Years: Taking Another Look at the Longest Relationship in Your Life" by Lillian S. Hawthorne.The author is a clinical social worker who addresses the issues of older adult's awareness on sibling connections. She raises the point that these relationships are the oldest and longest lasting ones that we have in our lifetime. From the early and middle years of adulthood, many of us lose touch with our siblings because of demographics, busy lives and experiences and childhood issues that ultimately interfere with connections of our adult siblings. These relationships can be rekindled and enjoyed by reconnecting through opportunities to reminicse and share family experiences. Middle-age and older adults are a special focus of this book reminding people how significant and valuable sibling connections are. Readers will enjoy personal stories by older siblings along with helpful guidelines to mend broken fences between siblings.

"Why Can't We Get Along?: Healing Adult Sibling Relationships" by Peter Goldenthal. Adult sibling rivalry often starts during childhood, but the origin sometimes becomes obscured. Tracing the source could possibly be that parents gave more attention to one child, or implied that one child was favored over another. Maybe it was that one child bullied, harassed, or threatened another child but the parents did nothing to stop the behavior. For some, parental favoritism continues through the children's adulthood, straining the sibling relationship further. The behavior then extends to the grandchildren yearning for their grandparent's attention. The author uses case studies from his own clinical practice to help others understand the rifts between siblings and give practical techniques to find the key that establishes warm and loving relationships. The author talks about the importance of watching for clues and choosing one's battles, communicating with an emphasis to listening to your siblings, freeing yourself from past resentments, how to manage a siblings difficult personality or mood problems, or coping with selfish or inconsiderate behavior. All are proven methods to help break through old, destructive behaviors and create a richer and rewarding relationship with adult siblings.

"The Perfect Sister: What Draws Us Together, What Drives Us Apart" by Marcia Millman. The emotional connection between sisters, something that has never been explored, is the basis for this book. The author explains the unique ways sisters can help overcome the sorrows and disappointments of childhood and why some sisters never feel close. She feels the biggest obstacle is that we "fail to see the person who is actually there" in what Millman refers to as the "imagined sister . . . the sister we wish for." To repair the injuries of childhood, we need to go beyond the idea that sisters are not an extension of ourselves and realize who they really are, each with unique personalities and experiences. Many women fail to see the differences in how they and their sisters grew up. They expect sisters to behave and respond as they do, only to find misunderstanding and disappointments. Even sisters who were close as children sometimes find that it isn't so as adults and that can be upsetting. As adults, family circumstances often bring sisters together, drawing the relationship together again. These times are emotionally tying to their childhood. Every close relationship has conflicts and if the relationship is of value then there are reasons to amend it.

Adult Sibling Rivalry

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